I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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