If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
