I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
