maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I fill condoms, not promises.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
