Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize