It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
