She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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