I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
