Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Randomize
