im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
