They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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