You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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