Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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