I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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