saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Banned from zoo.
Again?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
my poor anus
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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