dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
so that wasnt chicken after all
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
