why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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