phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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