So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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