I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
