last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
