i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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