I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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