man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
