Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
