I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
