Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Two words: nipple clamps
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