everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
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