Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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