the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
