My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
