I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
