So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize