sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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