"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
