there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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