I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
