Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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