I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
