I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
