I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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