sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
its liver damage thursday
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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