I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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