That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
