Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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