Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
