dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
