The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
All the doctor said was why
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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