you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
