My liver just broke up with me...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
