Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize