My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I wish life had little blips of pornography
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
