I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
