glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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