I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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