I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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