I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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