I wish I could teleport
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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