Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
