I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
