So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
