turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
as a side note pls kill me
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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