the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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