I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
