last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize