I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
