good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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