Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
as a side note pls kill me
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
