i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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